Top 5 Reasons I Don’t Care About Duke Nukem Forever

Duke Nukem Forever is right around the corner. As for all the jokes about doomsday coming before we see it, well, they might be right.

Many gamers are excited about the return of “the king” and are ready to load up on the latest nostalgia trip and punch aliens in their nethers to their hearts delight. I however, am not one of them. It pains me to say this, but here are my Top 5 Reasons I Don’t Care About Duke Nukem Forever.

5)Graphics

This generation has ushered in breathtaking graphics that push the boundaries of what can be accomplished through technology. Games like L.A. Noire or the Uncharted series feature beautiful character models and locations that help to whisk you away to the games’ worlds. Duke Nukem Forever‘s graphics look terribly last-gen.

Every commercial I can’t help but think of a really shiny Xbox game. And I mean original Xbox, not Xbox 360.

4)12 Year Old Jokes

Please do not get me wrong, I love dick and fart jokes as much as the next guy. I really do.

But the way the marketing for Duke Nukem Forever is leaning it seems like the game is going to have the comedic heft of White Chicks. I am all for including humor in a genre that far to often gets bogged down in “tough guys doing tough things” and fails to have any moments of relief. I just would like the humor to be well done.

3)Gameplay

It has been a long time since Duke has graced the TV screen and shooters have come along way during the long development of Duke Nukem Forever. Shooters have become more open, with many games being derided for being too linear or derivative. The time of simply walking down dark hallway after dark hallway has passed.

While reading many of the hands-on previews of Duke Nukem Forever it doesn’t seem like the Duke formula is venturing to far away from the traditional linear tilt of its glory days.

2)Machismo Overload

Duke Nukem is almost an amalgamation of the 90’s male hero. He is a rough, tough, and buff dude who picks up chicks and punches aliens in the dick. That was fine in the nineties. But as the genre develops, tastes develop and people look for more out of their heroes.

Sure, it’s fine escapism to play as a guy who always wins and gets all the chicks, but over the course of a game the joy will fade from playing this caricature of masculinity.

1)Not Borderlands 2